Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Chimps vs. Man

According to this article, a group of twenty chimpanzee desperados recently escaped from a wildlife sanctuary, injuring three tourists and killing a taxi driver. This news may seem unfortunate to many, but to me, it is simply proof of a theory I have had for years.

You see...to me, primates have always been a dangerous lot. I mean, sure, they can do cute tricks, and you can put diapers on them and teach them sign language but, all along, I have never been fooled. I know the truth and, soon, you will as well.

I remember, as a young boy, being driven through an animal sanctuary and marveling at the monkeys that came up to our car window. They were so cute; swinging around and making hand gestures and weird noises. I, a young child of 5, was happily eating my french fries, minding my own business, when a monkey desperado came to my window and starting gesturing toward my french fries. Being the generous child that I was, I soon rolled down the window and offered one of my fries to this shady character. He took the french fry alright, and he ate it quickly. I was delighted...until he grabbed my finger! He began shaking it profusely, screaming "Aaaack! Eeeeeck! Ooooock! Which, of course, was assuredly some sort of monkey threat, advising me to "Hand over the fries, and no one gets hurt!"

Ever since then, I have never trusted these criminals. And, as you can see from the above article, neither should you. Forget about this silly "bird flu" pandemic that everyone has been talking about! It is apparent that these criminal masterminds are plotting to take over society as we know it, and it would probably be a good idea to prepare for the worst. After all, you never know what dasterdly deed a primate might commit to get what it wants.

Remember the french fry. Never forget.

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