Sunday, October 29, 2006

Characters That Freak Me Out, Episode IV


He's not grimacing. In fact, he's never grimacing. He's always smiling. Unsettlingly.

What is he supposed to be anyway? Is this what will happen to YOU if you continue to eat at McDonald's? Let this be a warning to us all; eating at McDonald's will turn you into a large purple blob with an ironically misleading name.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Characters That Freak Me Out, Episode III

Captain Planet.

I probably don't even have to explain why this guy freaks me out, but the green mullet might be a tip off. For those who don't remember, Captain Planet and his "Planeteers" (yikes) used to prance about the earth bringing hard justice down upon the heads of evil scoundrels who had nothing better to do than to randomly pollute the oceans and litter in the park. Makes you wonder what happened to old-fashioned villians; you know, the kind who wanted to take over the world, gain riches, etc.

Random Villian: "And now, my minions, my plan has finally come to fruition. Soon, the Grand Canyon will be filled with those plastic rings that come off of six packs of soda cans and choke seagulls to death, and no one can stop us now!!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH!"

Captain Planet: "Not if I have anything to say about it, Dr. Smog! Planeteers, ACCESSORIZE!"

Planeteers: "You go, Captain Planet!"

[Corey picks up remote, turns off television, and exits stage left]

Characters That Freak Me Out, Episode II


I mean....why would you buy high fructose corn syrup (also known as Hawaiian Punch "JUICE") from a guy who is threatening to punch you? Maybe out of fear of being impaled on one of his antlers.....

Characters That Freak Me Out, Episode I

The Jolly Green Giant.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Ahead Stop

Is it just me, or does anyone else read these things backwards as well? Of course, I'm sure that this is meant to be read as "STOP AHEAD", and I'm sure that many clever people are able to read it as such, but I can't ever seem to read these painted messages any other way than left to right, top to bottom. Therefore, I'm constantly having to readjust my brain, telling it that "AHEAD STOP" really means, "STOP AHEAD", which provides adequate time for an accident to occur.

When you think about it, is it really a good idea to have people looking down at the road, trying to read a cryptic message while operating a motor vehicle? It seems to me that the highway department (or whoever is in charge of such lunacy) is just asking for trouble with these things.





Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Why Mommy is a Democrat

I'm glad to know that there are parents in this world who care enough about their children to make sure that they are brainwashed at an early age.

Hey! I've got some great ideas for the next set of books in this series! Here are some of them now:

"Why Daddy is a Republican"
"Why Uncle Rob is a Libertarian"
"Why Grandpa is a Communist"
"Why Great Grandma was in the KKK"

I'm sure that, with charming enough illustrations, these books could be quite a hit!

It's good to know that good, old-fashioned propaganda has survived into the 21st century. Hopefully there will be more where this came from! I can hardly wait!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Barney is a hack.

I'm sure that I'm not the first person to notice that Barney the dinosaur is a no-talent hack. Sure, kids love him, but they don't know any better. They're too young to know that every single one of his songs is just a rip off of another song; that every tune is the tune of another, more talented person's creation. They're also too young to notice that Barney seems to have no guilt, smiling like there's nothing wrong with stealing other people's songs. The sad part is that, apparently, everyone else fails to notice as well.

It's high time that someone called the dinosaur out. Sure, he's got a posse, but BJ and Baby Bop don't got nothing up against the American judicial system. It's high time for this criminal mastermind to be brought to justice. He should begin paying royalties to all of the poor, suffering songwriters that he has been ripping off for years.

Pay up, Barney; you're song-stealing days are over. Word.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

There's nobody here but us Monkees....HA HA HA!

You NEED to watch this. Then, you will be enlightened.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Sometimes My Mind Plays Tricks On Me.

I didn't go to work yesterday. Because I didn't go to work yesterday, I decided to take a nap. My nap ended up lasting for two and a half hours so, when it came time to go to bed last night, I wasn't sleepy. Therefore, I had a hard time going to sleep and, when it came time to get up this morning and go to work, my body decided to punish me for throwing off my internal clock.

When my alarm went off this morning, my body told me "no", so I reached over, turned it off, and fell back asleep. Soon thereafter, I woke up, took my shower, got dressed, got into my car and drove to the interstate. However, I seemed to have not been paying attention, because I ended up taking a wrong exit off of the interstate and onto a very high swinging bridge that crossed between to extraordinarily high mountain peaks. Luckily, I was able to put my car into reverse and back myself out onto the interstate again. I was soon back on course and, before I knew it, I was right where I belonged: at my High School.

It wasn't really my High School; it was actually sort of a melding of my High School and College and, of course, I was missing a few articles of clothing. So, wearing nothing but a dress shirt and a pair of boxer shorts, I made my way through the halls of this giant school towards my locker where, assuredly, I would find the rest of my clothes. I made it just in time to duck into a bathroom, get dressed, and get to class when, I realized that...


My mind was playing tricks on me! It tricked me into thinking that I had gotten up, gotten ready, and headed out the door! It did this so that it could get more rest! The lazy jerk! How selfish can one be? It made me late for work and, of course, I couldn't give any excuses. I mean, after all, I didn't particularly feel like being committed today.....yikes.....

I guess that I need to take better care of myself from now on. After all, no one wants their own body taking revenge on them. I mean, that's just creepy!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Barry Manilow is daggy.

It's "Mandy" vs the hotrods
Reuters - Jun 5, 9:35 AM (ET)

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Sick and tired of souped-up cars with loud engines and pulsing music? Barry Manilow may be the answer.

Officials in one Sydney district have decided to pipe the American crooner's music over loudspeakers in an attempt to rid streets and car parks of hooligans whose anti-social cars and loud music annoy residents and drive customers from businesses.

Following a successful experiment where Bing Crosby music was used to drive teenage loiterers out of an Australian shopping center several years ago, Rockdale councilors believe Manilow is so uncool it might just work.

Councilor Bill Saravinovski said local authorities plan to install a loudspeaker and pipe in Manilow music, interspersed with classical pieces, over a car park favored by car "hoons," or hooligans.

"There are restaurants nearby and people can't park in the car park because they're intimidated by these hoons," Saravinovski told The Daily Telegraph newspaper Monday.

"Daggy music is one way to make the hoons leave an area because they can't stand the music," he said.

The Oxford Concise Australian Dictionary defines "daggy" as unfashionable, or lacking style, even eccentric or stupid.

Monday, June 05, 2006

You=Fast, Me=Furious.

As NASCAR has risen in popularity, I've noticed an unfortunate trend on our nation's highways. It seems that, regardless of how much traffic there is on the highway at any given time, many people now seem as if they're constantly trying to speed ahead, get past each other, and cut each other off.

"If you're trying to get over into another lane, FORGET ABOUT IT! Your turn signal means nothing to me, 'cuz I'm gonna WIN THIS RACE!"

I've actually had people angrily honk their horn at me for only going 10 miles/hour over the speed limit, while others shake their fist at me for stopping at a red light (as opposed to running straight through it).

As if this weren't bad enough, I've also noticed an increase in the number of people who are taking crappy little compact cars (like, for example, my trusty Honda Civic), and "fixing them up" to look like race cars. How many times do you have to put the word TOYOTA on your car before everyone gets the point? It appears on the front windshield, on the back window, on both side doors, on the spoiler (like a Toyota Corrola really even needs a spoiler), etc., etc. It just seems a little....over the top for my taste.

Granted, I live right outside of Charlotte, North Carolina (future home of the NASCAR hall of fame!), so the streets that I drive on might be more prone to this trend than other parts of the country. Given that fact, I just have to know, "exactly HOW fast and HOW furious does one need to be on a two lane highway during rush hour traffic?" You wanna race? Fine...go to the race track. You wanna get home without getting killed? Then try cooperating a little more on the highway. I'm getting sick and tired of getting stuck in traffic jams everyday just because some guy with "mad skills" has decided to cut someone off in traffic, causing a three-car pile up and massive delays.

Believe it or not, real life is actually different from what you see on T.V. Let that sink in. I like the idea of a good car race as much as the next guy; just keep it on the track. After all, we can't all be Speed Racer, can we?

Monday, May 29, 2006

Swan heart Boat

Lovesick swan falls in love with swan paddle boat
May 26, 3:16 PM (ET)

BERLIN (Reuters) - A swan has fallen in love with a plastic swan-shaped paddle boat on a pond in the German town of Muenster and has spent the past three weeks flirting with the vessel five times its size, a sailing instructor said Friday.

Peter Overschmidt, who operates a sailing school and rents the two-seat paddle boat on the Aasee pond, said the black swan with a bright red beak has not left the white swan boat's side since it flew in one day in early May.

"It seems like he's fallen in love," said Overschmidt. "He protects it, sits next to it all the time and chases away any sail boats that get anywhere nearby. He thinks the boat is a strong and attractive swan."

Overschmidt said the swan will figure it out sooner or later but hopes he won't be too heartbroken.

"I'll wish him all the best and hope that he doesn't make the same mistake again," said Overschmidt."

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Pathetic Popple

I was going through some old things and found an old "Popple" that I used to play with when I was a kid. I still fondly remember the strange look that my parents gave me when I spent my allowance money on it; they couldn't imagine a more useless toy, nor could they imagine why I would pay 20 bucks for it! At any rate, I still have the thing, and my oldest son is playing with it now.

However, as he was playing with it, he asked, "Daddy...what's his name?"

I couldn't remember. I simply told him to call it "Popple", but I'd still like to know his name. I guess that I could simply look it up some place on the internet, but that would take the fun out of it, now wouldn't it?

If you know the name of this Popple, please respond and let me know. If, eventually, I don't get a response, I guess that I'll just have to call it "Pathetic Popple". After all, it looks the part...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

BBC Interviews the Wrong "Guy"

BBC Apologizes for Interview Gaffe

May 15, 4:50 PM (ET)


LONDON (AP) - The BBC interviewed the wrong Guy.

The network has apologized to its viewers for a studio mix up that resulted in a man mistakenly appearing on live television as Guy Kewney - an expert on Internet music downloads.

In fact the man was Guy Goma, a Congolese man applying for a technology-related job with the British Broadcasting Corp. Goma followed an employee to the studio after a mistake at a reception desk, the corporation said late Monday.

The BBC said it apologized to viewers for any confusion.

The case of mistaken identity occurred on May 8 - the day Britain's High Court awarded Apple Computer a victory in a lawsuit against Apple Corps, The Beatles' commercial arm.

In a reaction piece following the verdict, the BBC News 24 consumer affairs correspondent Karen Bowerman ostensibly welcomed computer expert Kewney.

After she introduced the apparent expert, there was a moment when Goma winced. He scrunched his face in panic and tried to open his mouth as if to explain.

"Were you surprised by this verdict today?" Bowerman asked.

"I'm very surprised to see the verdict come on me because I was not expecting that," he said in a heavy French accent, blinking in the studio lights. "When I came, they told me something else."

Nonplussed, he pressed on, growing more confident in his punditry as the interview progressed. He gamely delivered his opinion on the future of music downloads and cyber cafes following the landmark verdict.

Meanwhile, the real Kewney, who was waiting to be taken to the studio, looked up on a monitor and found another man in the interviewee's chair.

"What would you feel, if while you were sitting in that rather chilly reception area, you suddenly saw yourself not sitting in reception, but live, on TV? A bit surprised?" Kewney wrote on his Web log.

Kewney, who could not be reached for comment Monday, said on his blog that he was amused at first - but then thought that viewers would think he did not know his subject, hurting his reputation.

Kewney and other media outlets originally reported that Goma was a cab driver - though the BBC later said the reports were inaccurate.

Producers apparently realized by the end of the interview that something had gone wrong - and, after they had gone off the air, asked their "expert" if there was a problem.

"He said: 'Well, it was OK, but I was a bit rushed,' Kewney wrote on his blog.

Goma told the BBC his interview was stressful, but added he was prepared to return to the airwaves. He said he was "happy to speak about any situation," the BBC reported. Officials at BBC declined to comment on whether he would get the job he was applying for.


Click here to see the video! This is hilarious!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Chimps vs. Man

According to this article, a group of twenty chimpanzee desperados recently escaped from a wildlife sanctuary, injuring three tourists and killing a taxi driver. This news may seem unfortunate to many, but to me, it is simply proof of a theory I have had for years.

You me, primates have always been a dangerous lot. I mean, sure, they can do cute tricks, and you can put diapers on them and teach them sign language but, all along, I have never been fooled. I know the truth and, soon, you will as well.

I remember, as a young boy, being driven through an animal sanctuary and marveling at the monkeys that came up to our car window. They were so cute; swinging around and making hand gestures and weird noises. I, a young child of 5, was happily eating my french fries, minding my own business, when a monkey desperado came to my window and starting gesturing toward my french fries. Being the generous child that I was, I soon rolled down the window and offered one of my fries to this shady character. He took the french fry alright, and he ate it quickly. I was delighted...until he grabbed my finger! He began shaking it profusely, screaming "Aaaack! Eeeeeck! Ooooock! Which, of course, was assuredly some sort of monkey threat, advising me to "Hand over the fries, and no one gets hurt!"

Ever since then, I have never trusted these criminals. And, as you can see from the above article, neither should you. Forget about this silly "bird flu" pandemic that everyone has been talking about! It is apparent that these criminal masterminds are plotting to take over society as we know it, and it would probably be a good idea to prepare for the worst. After all, you never know what dasterdly deed a primate might commit to get what it wants.

Remember the french fry. Never forget.

Save Lewis!

Conn. Crazy Cat Case Heads to Trial
May 3, 6:43 PM (ET)

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) - The case of a cat accused of viciously attacking several neighbors is going to trial. Ruth Cisero, owner of Lewis the cat, Tuesday withdrew her bid for special probation because she would have had to allow Lewis to be euthanized.

Cisero withdrew her application for accelerated rehabilitation and instead pleaded not guilty to second-degree reckless endangerment and elected a trial by jury.

Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle claimed they had been terrorized by Lewis.

The neighbors said Lewis' long claws, along with catlike stealth, have allowed the cat to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

More than 500 "Save Lewis" T-shirts have been sold to raise funds for a defense fund for Cisero and a Westport lawyer has volunteered to be the cat's lawyer.

The special probation offer with conditions was made at the insistence of neighbor Maureen Bachtig, who was reportedly attacked by Lewis Feb. 20.

In a letter to prosecutors, Bachtig said she would only agree to probation for Cisero if the cat were put to death.


Information from: Connecticut Post,

Monday, May 01, 2006

Trees, or NOT Trees?

I've been seeing alot of abnormally tall trees popping up recently around the city where I work. At first, I was quite frightened by these menacing trees, as I strongly suspected that they were planted there by an evil race of robots intent on taking over the earth. However, upon closer examination, I realized that these horrible atrocities were actually cell phone towers, masquerading as trees!

Sometimes, trees are not really trees.

As you can see in the photo to the right, these supposed trees blend in "seamlessly" with the other, much shorter and more natural looking trees in the background. Don't be fooled!

I can't put my finger on it just yet, but I sense a conspiracy in the making with these trees. If someone is willing to trick people into thinking that cell phone towers are trees, then who knows to what ends they might go to trick people with other objects as well? How do we know, for example, that water towers are actually water towers? How do we know that billboards are billboards? Call me paranoid (you'd be right), but I'm gonna be keeping a REAL close eye on these so-called trees from now on, just to make sure that they are, in fact, cell phone towers, and not ALIEN VESSELS masquerading as cell phone towers. Nothing gets past me, my friend; nothing, but the wind........

Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Internet Often Forgets

Why is it that, inspite of the fact that many websites (including this one) offer the supposed option of "remember me on this computer", that I must still log in anytime that I want to do anything at all? Why even offer the option if it doesn't do anything? It's sort of like telephone banking; despite the fact that the friendly computer voice on the other end of the line has asked you to enter your bank account information using your touch tone phone, you always have to read the information off to the customer service representative afterward. Useless options like these could easily be eliminated, therein healing the world, and making it a better place for you and for me.

Balloons: Inflatable Disappointment

My family went out for lunch today and, upon leaving the restaurant, my son was given a helium balloon by the lady at the door. In hindsight, I should have tied the balloon around his wrist, but I neglected to do so, and, as is so often the case, the balloon ended up floating out of the car and into the stratosphere before we even pulled out of the parking lot. This of course led my poor disappointed son to cry over his lost balloon and, in turn, caused the rest of us to suffer on his behalf.

After this incident (and many more like it), I have come to the conclusion that balloons are, in fact, nothing more than inflatable disappointment. There is no way that things can end any way other than badly with a balloon. If one is not careful enough with a helium balloon, then, chances are, the thing will end up floating off into the sky where, according to the public service announcements, it will undoubtably be ingested by some poor sea creature who will inevitably die because of it.

On the flip side, if the balloon survives the car trip home, it will eventually run out of air. This, of course, means that the cruel parent must throw the now useless balloon away, causing the child to cry and the parent to say, "well, that's just the way it goes with balloons....".

Yes...That IS just the way that it goes....with balloons.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


While waiting at a traffic light yesterday, I noticed a peculiar bumper sticker on the window of the S.U.V. in front of me. It had no particular point that I was aware of, and yet I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.


That's all it said. "Hank who?", I started to ask myself. The obvious assumption, of course, is Hank Williams. Or could it be Hank Williams, Jr.? Or, perhaps, it could be Hank Aaron. Or Hank Kissinger. Or Hank the Cowdog.

The fact is, it could be any Hank...any Hank at all. It boggles the mind, really; with all the Hanks out there, could it be that the person courageously sporting this bumper sticker is, in fact, supporting them all? Could this person, in fact, be a fan of all Hanks, past or present, or is there a particular Hank that has ignited their passion for bumper sticker glory?

Hank = the sound of one million angels singing, and boy does it sound good!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Lights, They Are A Changin'

So I read this article today, which told the sad tale of a man named Jason Niccum from Longmont, Colorado who is being charged $50 for allegedly using a device that he bought on eBay to change a traffic light from red to green so that he could get to work on time. The man told police, "I'm always running late", and later told reporters, "I guess in the two years I had it, the thing paid for itself".

I had never heard of such a device, so i decided to conduct an eBay search of my own. Apparently, the devices are no longer available to buy outright (the man in the story claimed to have bought his for $100), but one can still purchase plans to build one.

I got to thinking, long and hard, and I soon came to the conclusion that, in fact, I often run late myself. Therefore, I soon concluded, everyone must run late from time to time, so everyone should own one of these devices! You see, if everyone had one (or ten) of these devices, no one would ever be late again, saving billions of minutes and possibly subtracting 10 years from our lives! Don't believe me? Ask my uncle Ralph in South Dakota...he'll tell you that I'm telling the truth...

So, what are you waiting for? Buy plans to construct your own MIRT (Mobile Infrared Transmitter) today! After all, who needs those CrAzY traffic laws anyways? There only getting in our way! For reals!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Thursday, April 13, 2006

So Cool, We Dropped A Vowel!

On Monday, on my way home from work, I witnessed a genuine disaster. A building on the road that I take home was on fire, and a large amount of smoke was filling the air. It was, in fact, such a big fire, that I could see the smoke from a few miles away. There were so many people parking their cars and standing around that I couldn't get by, and I had to go ten minutes out of the way to go around them just so I could get home.

Luckily, I had my trusty Motorola RAZR phone, with built in camera. You know all about the Motorola RAZR, right? ....the phone so cool that, when it came time to name it, they decided to drop a vowel! Anyway, I took this photo from the scene of the fire:

Incidentally, my friend Mike sent me some photos that he took using his camera phone on the way home on the same day. He works in D.C., and he got some shots of the immigration reform protest rallies that were going on that day. He too was stuck in traffic. Here's one of those:

Eventually, I suppose, camera phones will get to the point where they're actually good for taking pictures. However, for the time being, I guess that they're just "okay" enough to capture images that you otherwise would not be able to get. Maybe, one day soon, a phone will be made that is so cool that they can drop two vowels. I guess they could call it: the RZR.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Forgot Who Made Those Memory Pills

So today I'm driving to work, and I tune my radio to the local News/Talk AM station (WBT...Represent!) to hear "traffic and weather together, every 15 minutes!" However, I was a little bit early, so I was treated to a few commercials while I waited to find out how long I was going to be sitting in traffic today.

A commercial soon came on the radio that could, potentially change our lives forever. Apparently there is a new "breakthrough" memory drug that can help people remember things better, concentrate better, and remember things better. I can't really remember what is was called, but it sounded really great! I think, though I can't be sure, that it can even help you concentrate better! I was so excited that I didn't even hear the traffic report that immediately followed. Oh well....I guess I need some sort of drugs to help me with that too. Oh...wait....I think that one drug does both. Yeah...I think I heard a commercial on the radio this morning.....

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Crazy Cat With Six Toes Terrorizes Connecticut

FAIRFIELD, Conn. Mar 28, 2006 (AP)— Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals.

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, charging her with failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

Information from: Connecticut Post,

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Global Warming? Pass the Kool Aid!

A recent Time Magazine story states that, within a few short decades, the whole climate of the earth will be dramatically changed (for the worse) due to a recently discovered phenomenon that they would like to call "the global warming". They even went so far as to include a nifty photo of a polar bear surfing on a sheet of ice on the cover. The caption says, "Be Worried. Be Very Worried."

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not so sure what they're so worried about. To me, it looks like that Polar Bear is having one sweet time surfin' on that ice patch. Why, it even reminds me of that scene from "Ice Age", where those cool, jive-talkin' animals go snowboarding on the ice. Looks like a freaking blast!

Besides, how could "global warming" be so bad? I mean, everybody loves summer, right? Who wouldn't love having summer ALL YEAR ROUND??? Come on! You could play in the sprinkler in the middle of January, for crying out loud! What could be better than that?

If you ask me, the good folks at Time Magazine should stop worrying about such trivial matters as world climate change and start focusing on matters of importance to you and me. Case in point: The Kool-Aid Man. Now, the Kool-Aid man has been around for YEARS, busting through brick walls and shouting, "OH YEAHH!" However, I have yet to see any kind of journalistic article explaining, in scientific terms, how a giant glass pitcher full of liquid can burst through a brick wall without sustaining damage of any sort. Truly a miracle of modern science, if I've ever seen one; and yet, Time Magazine is too busy chasing surfing polar bears to even take the time to look into it.

Time Magazine? More like LAME Magazine! For Sure...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

What Kind of _________ are you?

Today, as I was driving my car, I started to wonder out loud to myself.

"Self", I said, out loud, to myself, "if you were food, what kind of food would you be?"

These are the questions that weigh heavy on a man's mind. So, of course, I searched for the answer to this important question as soon as I had the chance. Luckily for me, I found THE GREATEST WEBSITE IN ALL OF THE WORLD OF THE INTERNET!!!

On this site (linked above), I found a plethora of tests designed to enhance the lives of all of mankind. For example, this site allows you to find out what your power color is. You can also find out if you can pass eigth grade science, what kind of donut you are, and what your 1920's name might be.

I couldn't even fathom going another day in this cruel world without knowing what kind of food I might be, so I took the test at once.

What kind of food might I be? Why....Italian Food, of course! That explains everything!

Thanks,! You're the best! caught me. I didn't really think any of those things in the car. The truth is, I don't feel like those questions have any actual bearing on makind or its subsidiaries. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some of them are a complete waste of time. I just needed a crutch to hide the fact that I couldn't think of anything interesting to say today. Sorry to disappoint you.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Real rocks are made out of fiberglass.

I can't think of anything more unsightly than the top of a well.

Some people try to cover their wells with little doghouses. Sure, they call them "well houses", but we all now what they really are. I mean, come on...give us a break. Do you really think that anyone would be fooled into thinking that a "well house" is really anything other than a very large doghouse? How big is your dog anyway?

Fortunately, some genius came along and invented something so grand, so gorgeous, so picturesque that, my friends, it brings a tear to my eye. Yes, my friends, the fake rock is a thing of beauty and grace. Sure, it's technically fiberglass, but to me, it's a lovingly recreated monument to one of God's greatest creations; the ROCK.

Yes, without rocks, there would be no mountains. Without mountains, there would be no valleys. And, without valleys, there would be no ranch.

So, next time you see one of these fiberglass rocks, take a moment of silence, and salute the finest well covering in all of God's kingdom.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I See Lines

I suppose that it's relatively normal to bring one's work home with you, but it's starting to drive me insane. You see, at night, when I close my eyes and lie in bed, I see nothing but lines. Line after line. I connect the lines. I trim the lines. I even fillet the lines.

When I drive down the highway, I often pay close attention to the lines on the road, imagining myself popping dimension strings in between them and measuring their relative distances.

To most people, this would seem like "crazy talk", but to me it's an everyday reality. In case you aren't able to pick up on such things (you should sharpen those observational skills), I draft for a living. I draw building plans. On computers. Using AutoCAD. That involves the daily observation of large quantities of brightly colored digital lines. And that, my friends, is why, when I lie in bed at night, and close my eyes, I see nothing but lines.

What repetitive daily task do you relive at night when you close your eyes? Leave comments...I'm interested to find out if anyone else is as crazy as I am.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Youth Baseball Could Get New Look

Has it really come to this?

According to this article, some Maryland Senators are pushing for "masks" and "goggles" to be required by law on all Little League Baseball players. In other words, it is the implied responsibility of the State of Maryland to tell your children how to play.

In the words of Sen. James Brochin of Baltimore County, ""We're telling 8- and 9-year-olds that when a ball is coming at you 50, 60, 65 miles per hour, if you get out of the way, great. If not, and it takes your eye out, that's the way it goes".

What's next? Twister legislation? After all, we're telling all of the Twister-playing children of the world that, "if you put your left foot on blue and your right hand on red, and everything turns out okay, then that's great. But, if you accidentally twist your ankle a little to far, then that's the way it goes."

Perhaps we should lobby congress to require us (by police enforcement) to wear protective goggles and masks while playing ping-pong. After all, those little white balls whiz by pretty fast, and who knows what could happen if one of those ping-pong paddles flew out of someone's hand?

Politicians of the world listen up! Give it a rest! You're nowhere near as important as you think you are, and you're making yourselves (and little league baseball players) look ridiculous. You'd be much better off to focus your attention elsewhere. After all, kids have been playing baseball for years without your help (or interference).

Write a letter to your State Representatives today, my friends, urging them to enact legislation requiring all elected officials to pass an I.Q. test before entering office. Perhaps that will keep nonsense like this from wasting the taxpayers' time and money.

Sinkhole Eat World

According to this article, "A 20-foot-wide sinkhole swallowed a sport utility vehicle in Bay Ridge early Monday after a water main break collapsed a section of road, flooding part of a subway line and causing commuter havoc, fire officials said."

The source quoted above,, is not the only source claiming that, in fact, a sport utility vehicle was "swallowed" by a sinkhole in Brooklyn today. Most people would buy this story hook, line and sinkhole. I mean, after all, isn't a "credible source" (is it?)

However, even a cursory glance at the photo would cause one to conclude that this S.U.V. has not been swallowed. For something to be swallowed, it must, in fact, be fully submerged inside the "swallower". I would say that this S.U.V. has, perhaps, been chewed up and spit out by said sinkhole. However, there's not a doubt in my mind that the streets of Brooklyn are getting angry. It won't be long before they really do start swallowing S.U.V.'s. At that point, I suppose, the headline "Sinkhole Swallows S.U.V." might apply. Save the headline until then fellas; it's only a matter of time.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Beware of imitations.

Apparently, there are others parading around with MY NAME on their birth certificates. This is not good, my friends. Case in point:

Corey Montana Davis

This, my friends, is quite simply not me. Although he might look friendly enough, I sincerely hope that you would not fall for this trickery. After all, I simply cannot ride a bull to save my life, and my middle name is definitely not "Montana".

Next up on the list is this guy:

This website says that his name is "Corey Davis", but don't be fooled. Just because he's a college professor doesn't mean that he can be trusted. I mean, anyone who pretends to be me must CLEARLY be delusional.

See the kid wearing the white pajamas?
The one kicking in the air?
This website claims that he is, in fact, Corey Davis. Codswallop. I've never worn white pajamas in my entire life (nor do I plan to). Outrageous! By the way, for those of you who are astute of heart and hope to one day hone your observational skills, here is a dead giveaway that this young fellow is an imposter: He's too short. I may be short (5'-6" for all of you doubters), but I'm not that short.

If you, or someone you love, ever comes across any of these "imitation" Corey Davis's, remember this simple fact: NONE OF THEM WILL EVER BE ME! So, don't listen to them; they won't know what they're talking about.

Seagulls hang out in parking lots.

As you can see (just look at that photo), I am very serious. And so, I have something very serious to say.

I have noticed a common phenomenon that many others have noticed before me. However, without the gift of EXTREME OBSERVATION possessed by yours truly, they probably didn't even really pay it any attention. The phenomenon is this:

Seagulls hang out in parking lots.

Now, pay attention to what I have to say. Most people would think that, with a name like "seagull", this particular creature would spend most of its time near the water. Not so, says I. It seems that, to the common seagull, a suburban parking lot is just as good as (or better than) the sea any day. I have a theory about this.

It seems that, to the eye of a bird flying over modern suburbia that, in fact, a parking lot closely resembles a body of water. Upon swooping down, the bird finds that it doesn't have to catch its food. On the contrary, one can often find enough fast food bags and potato chip containers to fill it's appetite. The discarded food of suburbanites everywhere has replaced the need, in the bird's small mind, for fish and other aquatic wildlife.

Case in point: Charlotte, North Carolina. Hardly a seaport yet, often enough, the haven of seagulls looking for chow. I've seen it myself, and I've lived to tell the tale. Birds swarming a Wal-Mart parking lot, overturning Jack-in-the-Box bags, searching for french fries. Alas, the sea is calling their name, but they care not.

What will happen due to this travesty; I dare not speak it. Perhaps the world will be overtaken by sea creatures that were meant to be consumed by seagulls. Perhaps, seagulls will overtake the parking lots of America. If that happens, then heaven help us all.

Who in the Universe is Corey Davis?'re probably wondering, "who is this Corey Davis, and why should I care to read anything he has to say?" Well.....I'm not sure why you should care, but I can tell you who I am.

You see...I have been given a gift. "What is that gift?", you may be asking yourself. I might remind you to stop interrupting me with so many trivial questions. I mean, after all, I'm trying to tell you who I am here. Anyway, I have a tremendous gift of observation (one that surpasses your own), and I am able to articulate what I see in the world around me in such wonderful and picturesque ways that people will soon be flocking to this page just to see what I have to say next.

In other words, I have the same opinion of myself as everyone else who has a blog (and they are legion...hear you me....). So pull up a chair and PAY ATTENTION! You might just learn something.