Lights, They Are A Changin'

So I read this article today, which told the sad tale of a man named Jason Niccum from Longmont, Colorado who is being charged $50 for allegedly using a device that he bought on eBay to change a traffic light from red to green so that he could get to work on time. The man told police, "I'm always running late", and later told reporters, "I guess in the two years I had it, the thing paid for itself".

I had never heard of such a device, so i decided to conduct an eBay search of my own. Apparently, the devices are no longer available to buy outright (the man in the story claimed to have bought his for $100), but one can still purchase plans to build one.

I got to thinking, long and hard, and I soon came to the conclusion that, in fact, I often run late myself. Therefore, I soon concluded, everyone must run late from time to time, so everyone should own one of these devices! You see, if everyone had one (or ten) of these devices, no one would ever be late again, saving billions of minutes and possibly subtracting 10 years from our lives! Don't believe me? Ask my uncle Ralph in South Dakota...he'll tell you that I'm telling the truth...

So, what are you waiting for? Buy plans to construct your own MIRT (Mobile Infrared Transmitter) today! After all, who needs those CrAzY traffic laws anyways? There only getting in our way! For reals!