Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Internet Often Forgets

Why is it that, inspite of the fact that many websites (including this one) offer the supposed option of "remember me on this computer", that I must still log in anytime that I want to do anything at all? Why even offer the option if it doesn't do anything? It's sort of like telephone banking; despite the fact that the friendly computer voice on the other end of the line has asked you to enter your bank account information using your touch tone phone, you always have to read the information off to the customer service representative afterward. Useless options like these could easily be eliminated, therein healing the world, and making it a better place for you and for me.

Balloons: Inflatable Disappointment

My family went out for lunch today and, upon leaving the restaurant, my son was given a helium balloon by the lady at the door. In hindsight, I should have tied the balloon around his wrist, but I neglected to do so, and, as is so often the case, the balloon ended up floating out of the car and into the stratosphere before we even pulled out of the parking lot. This of course led my poor disappointed son to cry over his lost balloon and, in turn, caused the rest of us to suffer on his behalf.

After this incident (and many more like it), I have come to the conclusion that balloons are, in fact, nothing more than inflatable disappointment. There is no way that things can end any way other than badly with a balloon. If one is not careful enough with a helium balloon, then, chances are, the thing will end up floating off into the sky where, according to the public service announcements, it will undoubtably be ingested by some poor sea creature who will inevitably die because of it.

On the flip side, if the balloon survives the car trip home, it will eventually run out of air. This, of course, means that the cruel parent must throw the now useless balloon away, causing the child to cry and the parent to say, "well, that's just the way it goes with balloons....".

Yes...That IS just the way that it goes....with balloons.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


While waiting at a traffic light yesterday, I noticed a peculiar bumper sticker on the window of the S.U.V. in front of me. It had no particular point that I was aware of, and yet I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.


That's all it said. "Hank who?", I started to ask myself. The obvious assumption, of course, is Hank Williams. Or could it be Hank Williams, Jr.? Or, perhaps, it could be Hank Aaron. Or Hank Kissinger. Or Hank the Cowdog.

The fact is, it could be any Hank...any Hank at all. It boggles the mind, really; with all the Hanks out there, could it be that the person courageously sporting this bumper sticker is, in fact, supporting them all? Could this person, in fact, be a fan of all Hanks, past or present, or is there a particular Hank that has ignited their passion for bumper sticker glory?

Hank = the sound of one million angels singing, and boy does it sound good!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Lights, They Are A Changin'

So I read this article today, which told the sad tale of a man named Jason Niccum from Longmont, Colorado who is being charged $50 for allegedly using a device that he bought on eBay to change a traffic light from red to green so that he could get to work on time. The man told police, "I'm always running late", and later told reporters, "I guess in the two years I had it, the thing paid for itself".

I had never heard of such a device, so i decided to conduct an eBay search of my own. Apparently, the devices are no longer available to buy outright (the man in the story claimed to have bought his for $100), but one can still purchase plans to build one.

I got to thinking, long and hard, and I soon came to the conclusion that, in fact, I often run late myself. Therefore, I soon concluded, everyone must run late from time to time, so everyone should own one of these devices! You see, if everyone had one (or ten) of these devices, no one would ever be late again, saving billions of minutes and possibly subtracting 10 years from our lives! Don't believe me? Ask my uncle Ralph in South Dakota...he'll tell you that I'm telling the truth...

So, what are you waiting for? Buy plans to construct your own MIRT (Mobile Infrared Transmitter) today! After all, who needs those CrAzY traffic laws anyways? There only getting in our way! For reals!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Thursday, April 13, 2006

So Cool, We Dropped A Vowel!

On Monday, on my way home from work, I witnessed a genuine disaster. A building on the road that I take home was on fire, and a large amount of smoke was filling the air. It was, in fact, such a big fire, that I could see the smoke from a few miles away. There were so many people parking their cars and standing around that I couldn't get by, and I had to go ten minutes out of the way to go around them just so I could get home.

Luckily, I had my trusty Motorola RAZR phone, with built in camera. You know all about the Motorola RAZR, right? ....the phone so cool that, when it came time to name it, they decided to drop a vowel! Anyway, I took this photo from the scene of the fire:

Incidentally, my friend Mike sent me some photos that he took using his camera phone on the way home on the same day. He works in D.C., and he got some shots of the immigration reform protest rallies that were going on that day. He too was stuck in traffic. Here's one of those:

Eventually, I suppose, camera phones will get to the point where they're actually good for taking pictures. However, for the time being, I guess that they're just "okay" enough to capture images that you otherwise would not be able to get. Maybe, one day soon, a phone will be made that is so cool that they can drop two vowels. I guess they could call it: the RZR.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Forgot Who Made Those Memory Pills

So today I'm driving to work, and I tune my radio to the local News/Talk AM station (WBT...Represent!) to hear "traffic and weather together, every 15 minutes!" However, I was a little bit early, so I was treated to a few commercials while I waited to find out how long I was going to be sitting in traffic today.

A commercial soon came on the radio that could, potentially change our lives forever. Apparently there is a new "breakthrough" memory drug that can help people remember things better, concentrate better, and remember things better. I can't really remember what is was called, but it sounded really great! I think, though I can't be sure, that it can even help you concentrate better! I was so excited that I didn't even hear the traffic report that immediately followed. Oh well....I guess I need some sort of drugs to help me with that too. Oh...wait....I think that one drug does both. Yeah...I think I heard a commercial on the radio this morning.....

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Crazy Cat With Six Toes Terrorizes Connecticut

FAIRFIELD, Conn. Mar 28, 2006 (AP)— Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

Some of those who were bitten and scratched ended up seeking treatment at area hospitals.

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Solveira also arrested the cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, charging her with failing to comply with the restraining order and reckless endangerment.

Information from: Connecticut Post,

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Global Warming? Pass the Kool Aid!

A recent Time Magazine story states that, within a few short decades, the whole climate of the earth will be dramatically changed (for the worse) due to a recently discovered phenomenon that they would like to call "the global warming". They even went so far as to include a nifty photo of a polar bear surfing on a sheet of ice on the cover. The caption says, "Be Worried. Be Very Worried."

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not so sure what they're so worried about. To me, it looks like that Polar Bear is having one sweet time surfin' on that ice patch. Why, it even reminds me of that scene from "Ice Age", where those cool, jive-talkin' animals go snowboarding on the ice. Looks like a freaking blast!

Besides, how could "global warming" be so bad? I mean, everybody loves summer, right? Who wouldn't love having summer ALL YEAR ROUND??? Come on! You could play in the sprinkler in the middle of January, for crying out loud! What could be better than that?

If you ask me, the good folks at Time Magazine should stop worrying about such trivial matters as world climate change and start focusing on matters of importance to you and me. Case in point: The Kool-Aid Man. Now, the Kool-Aid man has been around for YEARS, busting through brick walls and shouting, "OH YEAHH!" However, I have yet to see any kind of journalistic article explaining, in scientific terms, how a giant glass pitcher full of liquid can burst through a brick wall without sustaining damage of any sort. Truly a miracle of modern science, if I've ever seen one; and yet, Time Magazine is too busy chasing surfing polar bears to even take the time to look into it.

Time Magazine? More like LAME Magazine! For Sure...