Thursday, March 30, 2006

What Kind of _________ are you?

Today, as I was driving my car, I started to wonder out loud to myself.

"Self", I said, out loud, to myself, "if you were food, what kind of food would you be?"

These are the questions that weigh heavy on a man's mind. So, of course, I searched for the answer to this important question as soon as I had the chance. Luckily for me, I found THE GREATEST WEBSITE IN ALL OF THE WORLD OF THE INTERNET!!!

On this site (linked above), I found a plethora of tests designed to enhance the lives of all of mankind. For example, this site allows you to find out what your power color is. You can also find out if you can pass eigth grade science, what kind of donut you are, and what your 1920's name might be.

I couldn't even fathom going another day in this cruel world without knowing what kind of food I might be, so I took the test at once.

What kind of food might I be? Why....Italian Food, of course! That explains everything!

Thanks,! You're the best! caught me. I didn't really think any of those things in the car. The truth is, I don't feel like those questions have any actual bearing on makind or its subsidiaries. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some of them are a complete waste of time. I just needed a crutch to hide the fact that I couldn't think of anything interesting to say today. Sorry to disappoint you.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Real rocks are made out of fiberglass.

I can't think of anything more unsightly than the top of a well.

Some people try to cover their wells with little doghouses. Sure, they call them "well houses", but we all now what they really are. I mean, come on...give us a break. Do you really think that anyone would be fooled into thinking that a "well house" is really anything other than a very large doghouse? How big is your dog anyway?

Fortunately, some genius came along and invented something so grand, so gorgeous, so picturesque that, my friends, it brings a tear to my eye. Yes, my friends, the fake rock is a thing of beauty and grace. Sure, it's technically fiberglass, but to me, it's a lovingly recreated monument to one of God's greatest creations; the ROCK.

Yes, without rocks, there would be no mountains. Without mountains, there would be no valleys. And, without valleys, there would be no ranch.

So, next time you see one of these fiberglass rocks, take a moment of silence, and salute the finest well covering in all of God's kingdom.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I See Lines

I suppose that it's relatively normal to bring one's work home with you, but it's starting to drive me insane. You see, at night, when I close my eyes and lie in bed, I see nothing but lines. Line after line. I connect the lines. I trim the lines. I even fillet the lines.

When I drive down the highway, I often pay close attention to the lines on the road, imagining myself popping dimension strings in between them and measuring their relative distances.

To most people, this would seem like "crazy talk", but to me it's an everyday reality. In case you aren't able to pick up on such things (you should sharpen those observational skills), I draft for a living. I draw building plans. On computers. Using AutoCAD. That involves the daily observation of large quantities of brightly colored digital lines. And that, my friends, is why, when I lie in bed at night, and close my eyes, I see nothing but lines.

What repetitive daily task do you relive at night when you close your eyes? Leave comments...I'm interested to find out if anyone else is as crazy as I am.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Youth Baseball Could Get New Look

Has it really come to this?

According to this article, some Maryland Senators are pushing for "masks" and "goggles" to be required by law on all Little League Baseball players. In other words, it is the implied responsibility of the State of Maryland to tell your children how to play.

In the words of Sen. James Brochin of Baltimore County, ""We're telling 8- and 9-year-olds that when a ball is coming at you 50, 60, 65 miles per hour, if you get out of the way, great. If not, and it takes your eye out, that's the way it goes".

What's next? Twister legislation? After all, we're telling all of the Twister-playing children of the world that, "if you put your left foot on blue and your right hand on red, and everything turns out okay, then that's great. But, if you accidentally twist your ankle a little to far, then that's the way it goes."

Perhaps we should lobby congress to require us (by police enforcement) to wear protective goggles and masks while playing ping-pong. After all, those little white balls whiz by pretty fast, and who knows what could happen if one of those ping-pong paddles flew out of someone's hand?

Politicians of the world listen up! Give it a rest! You're nowhere near as important as you think you are, and you're making yourselves (and little league baseball players) look ridiculous. You'd be much better off to focus your attention elsewhere. After all, kids have been playing baseball for years without your help (or interference).

Write a letter to your State Representatives today, my friends, urging them to enact legislation requiring all elected officials to pass an I.Q. test before entering office. Perhaps that will keep nonsense like this from wasting the taxpayers' time and money.

Sinkhole Eat World

According to this article, "A 20-foot-wide sinkhole swallowed a sport utility vehicle in Bay Ridge early Monday after a water main break collapsed a section of road, flooding part of a subway line and causing commuter havoc, fire officials said."

The source quoted above,, is not the only source claiming that, in fact, a sport utility vehicle was "swallowed" by a sinkhole in Brooklyn today. Most people would buy this story hook, line and sinkhole. I mean, after all, isn't a "credible source" (is it?)

However, even a cursory glance at the photo would cause one to conclude that this S.U.V. has not been swallowed. For something to be swallowed, it must, in fact, be fully submerged inside the "swallower". I would say that this S.U.V. has, perhaps, been chewed up and spit out by said sinkhole. However, there's not a doubt in my mind that the streets of Brooklyn are getting angry. It won't be long before they really do start swallowing S.U.V.'s. At that point, I suppose, the headline "Sinkhole Swallows S.U.V." might apply. Save the headline until then fellas; it's only a matter of time.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Beware of imitations.

Apparently, there are others parading around with MY NAME on their birth certificates. This is not good, my friends. Case in point:

Corey Montana Davis

This, my friends, is quite simply not me. Although he might look friendly enough, I sincerely hope that you would not fall for this trickery. After all, I simply cannot ride a bull to save my life, and my middle name is definitely not "Montana".

Next up on the list is this guy:

This website says that his name is "Corey Davis", but don't be fooled. Just because he's a college professor doesn't mean that he can be trusted. I mean, anyone who pretends to be me must CLEARLY be delusional.

See the kid wearing the white pajamas?
The one kicking in the air?
This website claims that he is, in fact, Corey Davis. Codswallop. I've never worn white pajamas in my entire life (nor do I plan to). Outrageous! By the way, for those of you who are astute of heart and hope to one day hone your observational skills, here is a dead giveaway that this young fellow is an imposter: He's too short. I may be short (5'-6" for all of you doubters), but I'm not that short.

If you, or someone you love, ever comes across any of these "imitation" Corey Davis's, remember this simple fact: NONE OF THEM WILL EVER BE ME! So, don't listen to them; they won't know what they're talking about.

Seagulls hang out in parking lots.

As you can see (just look at that photo), I am very serious. And so, I have something very serious to say.

I have noticed a common phenomenon that many others have noticed before me. However, without the gift of EXTREME OBSERVATION possessed by yours truly, they probably didn't even really pay it any attention. The phenomenon is this:

Seagulls hang out in parking lots.

Now, pay attention to what I have to say. Most people would think that, with a name like "seagull", this particular creature would spend most of its time near the water. Not so, says I. It seems that, to the common seagull, a suburban parking lot is just as good as (or better than) the sea any day. I have a theory about this.

It seems that, to the eye of a bird flying over modern suburbia that, in fact, a parking lot closely resembles a body of water. Upon swooping down, the bird finds that it doesn't have to catch its food. On the contrary, one can often find enough fast food bags and potato chip containers to fill it's appetite. The discarded food of suburbanites everywhere has replaced the need, in the bird's small mind, for fish and other aquatic wildlife.

Case in point: Charlotte, North Carolina. Hardly a seaport yet, often enough, the haven of seagulls looking for chow. I've seen it myself, and I've lived to tell the tale. Birds swarming a Wal-Mart parking lot, overturning Jack-in-the-Box bags, searching for french fries. Alas, the sea is calling their name, but they care not.

What will happen due to this travesty; I dare not speak it. Perhaps the world will be overtaken by sea creatures that were meant to be consumed by seagulls. Perhaps, seagulls will overtake the parking lots of America. If that happens, then heaven help us all.

Who in the Universe is Corey Davis?'re probably wondering, "who is this Corey Davis, and why should I care to read anything he has to say?" Well.....I'm not sure why you should care, but I can tell you who I am.

You see...I have been given a gift. "What is that gift?", you may be asking yourself. I might remind you to stop interrupting me with so many trivial questions. I mean, after all, I'm trying to tell you who I am here. Anyway, I have a tremendous gift of observation (one that surpasses your own), and I am able to articulate what I see in the world around me in such wonderful and picturesque ways that people will soon be flocking to this page just to see what I have to say next.

In other words, I have the same opinion of myself as everyone else who has a blog (and they are legion...hear you me....). So pull up a chair and PAY ATTENTION! You might just learn something.