Ahead Stop

Is it just me, or does anyone else read these things backwards as well? Of course, I'm sure that this is meant to be read as "STOP AHEAD", and I'm sure that many clever people are able to read it as such, but I can't ever seem to read these painted messages any other way than left to right, top to bottom. Therefore, I'm constantly having to readjust my brain, telling it that "AHEAD STOP" really means, "STOP AHEAD", which provides adequate time for an accident to occur.

When you think about it, is it really a good idea to have people looking down at the road, trying to read a cryptic message while operating a motor vehicle? It seems to me that the highway department (or whoever is in charge of such lunacy) is just asking for trouble with these things.


READING

FOR

YOU

THANK

Why Mommy is a Democrat

http://littledemocrats.net/index.html

I'm glad to know that there are parents in this world who care enough about their children to make sure that they are brainwashed at an early age.

Hey! I've got some great ideas for the next set of books in this series! Here are some of them now:

"Why Daddy is a Republican"
"Why Uncle Rob is a Libertarian"
"Why Grandpa is a Communist"
"Why Great Grandma was in the KKK"

I'm sure that, with charming enough illustrations, these books could be quite a hit!

It's good to know that good, old-fashioned propaganda has survived into the 21st century. Hopefully there will be more where this came from! I can hardly wait!

Barney is a hack.

I'm sure that I'm not the first person to notice that Barney the dinosaur is a no-talent hack. Sure, kids love him, but they don't know any better. They're too young to know that every single one of his songs is just a rip off of another song; that every tune is the tune of another, more talented person's creation. They're also too young to notice that Barney seems to have no guilt, smiling like there's nothing wrong with stealing other people's songs. The sad part is that, apparently, everyone else fails to notice as well.

It's high time that someone called the dinosaur out. Sure, he's got a posse, but BJ and Baby Bop don't got nothing up against the American judicial system. It's high time for this criminal mastermind to be brought to justice. He should begin paying royalties to all of the poor, suffering songwriters that he has been ripping off for years.

Pay up, Barney; you're song-stealing days are over. Word.

There's nobody here but us Monkees....HA HA HA!

You NEED to watch this. Then, you will be enlightened.

Sometimes My Mind Plays Tricks On Me.

I didn't go to work yesterday. Because I didn't go to work yesterday, I decided to take a nap. My nap ended up lasting for two and a half hours so, when it came time to go to bed last night, I wasn't sleepy. Therefore, I had a hard time going to sleep and, when it came time to get up this morning and go to work, my body decided to punish me for throwing off my internal clock.

When my alarm went off this morning, my body told me "no", so I reached over, turned it off, and fell back asleep. Soon thereafter, I woke up, took my shower, got dressed, got into my car and drove to the interstate. However, I seemed to have not been paying attention, because I ended up taking a wrong exit off of the interstate and onto a very high swinging bridge that crossed between to extraordinarily high mountain peaks. Luckily, I was able to put my car into reverse and back myself out onto the interstate again. I was soon back on course and, before I knew it, I was right where I belonged: at my High School.

It wasn't really my High School; it was actually sort of a melding of my High School and College and, of course, I was missing a few articles of clothing. So, wearing nothing but a dress shirt and a pair of boxer shorts, I made my way through the halls of this giant school towards my locker where, assuredly, I would find the rest of my clothes. I made it just in time to duck into a bathroom, get dressed, and get to class when, I realized that...

...I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE FOUR YEARS AGO!

My mind was playing tricks on me! It tricked me into thinking that I had gotten up, gotten ready, and headed out the door! It did this so that it could get more rest! The lazy jerk! How selfish can one be? It made me late for work and, of course, I couldn't give any excuses. I mean, after all, I didn't particularly feel like being committed today.....yikes.....

I guess that I need to take better care of myself from now on. After all, no one wants their own body taking revenge on them. I mean, that's just creepy!

Barry Manilow is daggy.

It's "Mandy" vs the hotrods
Reuters - Jun 5, 9:35 AM (ET)

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Sick and tired of souped-up cars with loud engines and pulsing music? Barry Manilow may be the answer.

Officials in one Sydney district have decided to pipe the American crooner's music over loudspeakers in an attempt to rid streets and car parks of hooligans whose anti-social cars and loud music annoy residents and drive customers from businesses.

Following a successful experiment where Bing Crosby music was used to drive teenage loiterers out of an Australian shopping center several years ago, Rockdale councilors believe Manilow is so uncool it might just work.

Councilor Bill Saravinovski said local authorities plan to install a loudspeaker and pipe in Manilow music, interspersed with classical pieces, over a car park favored by car "hoons," or hooligans.

"There are restaurants nearby and people can't park in the car park because they're intimidated by these hoons," Saravinovski told The Daily Telegraph newspaper Monday.

"Daggy music is one way to make the hoons leave an area because they can't stand the music," he said.

The Oxford Concise Australian Dictionary defines "daggy" as unfashionable, or lacking style, even eccentric or stupid.

You=Fast, Me=Furious.

As NASCAR has risen in popularity, I've noticed an unfortunate trend on our nation's highways. It seems that, regardless of how much traffic there is on the highway at any given time, many people now seem as if they're constantly trying to speed ahead, get past each other, and cut each other off.

"If you're trying to get over into another lane, FORGET ABOUT IT! Your turn signal means nothing to me, 'cuz I'm gonna WIN THIS RACE!"

I've actually had people angrily honk their horn at me for only going 10 miles/hour over the speed limit, while others shake their fist at me for stopping at a red light (as opposed to running straight through it).

As if this weren't bad enough, I've also noticed an increase in the number of people who are taking crappy little compact cars (like, for example, my trusty Honda Civic), and "fixing them up" to look like race cars. How many times do you have to put the word TOYOTA on your car before everyone gets the point? It appears on the front windshield, on the back window, on both side doors, on the spoiler (like a Toyota Corrola really even needs a spoiler), etc., etc. It just seems a little....over the top for my taste.

Granted, I live right outside of Charlotte, North Carolina (future home of the NASCAR hall of fame!), so the streets that I drive on might be more prone to this trend than other parts of the country. Given that fact, I just have to know, "exactly HOW fast and HOW furious does one need to be on a two lane highway during rush hour traffic?" You wanna race? Fine...go to the race track. You wanna get home without getting killed? Then try cooperating a little more on the highway. I'm getting sick and tired of getting stuck in traffic jams everyday just because some guy with "mad skills" has decided to cut someone off in traffic, causing a three-car pile up and massive delays.

Believe it or not, real life is actually different from what you see on T.V. Let that sink in. I like the idea of a good car race as much as the next guy; just keep it on the track. After all, we can't all be Speed Racer, can we?

Swan heart Boat

Lovesick swan falls in love with swan paddle boat
May 26, 3:16 PM (ET)

BERLIN (Reuters) - A swan has fallen in love with a plastic swan-shaped paddle boat on a pond in the German town of Muenster and has spent the past three weeks flirting with the vessel five times its size, a sailing instructor said Friday.

Peter Overschmidt, who operates a sailing school and rents the two-seat paddle boat on the Aasee pond, said the black swan with a bright red beak has not left the white swan boat's side since it flew in one day in early May.

"It seems like he's fallen in love," said Overschmidt. "He protects it, sits next to it all the time and chases away any sail boats that get anywhere nearby. He thinks the boat is a strong and attractive swan."

Overschmidt said the swan will figure it out sooner or later but hopes he won't be too heartbroken.

"I'll wish him all the best and hope that he doesn't make the same mistake again," said Overschmidt."

Pathetic Popple

I was going through some old things and found an old "Popple" that I used to play with when I was a kid. I still fondly remember the strange look that my parents gave me when I spent my allowance money on it; they couldn't imagine a more useless toy, nor could they imagine why I would pay 20 bucks for it! At any rate, I still have the thing, and my oldest son is playing with it now.

However, as he was playing with it, he asked, "Daddy...what's his name?"

I couldn't remember. I simply told him to call it "Popple", but I'd still like to know his name. I guess that I could simply look it up some place on the internet, but that would take the fun out of it, now wouldn't it?

If you know the name of this Popple, please respond and let me know. If, eventually, I don't get a response, I guess that I'll just have to call it "Pathetic Popple". After all, it looks the part...

BBC Interviews the Wrong "Guy"

BBC Apologizes for Interview Gaffe

May 15, 4:50 PM (ET)

By DANICA KIRKA

LONDON (AP) - The BBC interviewed the wrong Guy.

The network has apologized to its viewers for a studio mix up that resulted in a man mistakenly appearing on live television as Guy Kewney - an expert on Internet music downloads.

In fact the man was Guy Goma, a Congolese man applying for a technology-related job with the British Broadcasting Corp. Goma followed an employee to the studio after a mistake at a reception desk, the corporation said late Monday.

The BBC said it apologized to viewers for any confusion.

The case of mistaken identity occurred on May 8 - the day Britain's High Court awarded Apple Computer a victory in a lawsuit against Apple Corps, The Beatles' commercial arm.

In a reaction piece following the verdict, the BBC News 24 consumer affairs correspondent Karen Bowerman ostensibly welcomed computer expert Kewney.

After she introduced the apparent expert, there was a moment when Goma winced. He scrunched his face in panic and tried to open his mouth as if to explain.

"Were you surprised by this verdict today?" Bowerman asked.

"I'm very surprised to see the verdict come on me because I was not expecting that," he said in a heavy French accent, blinking in the studio lights. "When I came, they told me something else."

Nonplussed, he pressed on, growing more confident in his punditry as the interview progressed. He gamely delivered his opinion on the future of music downloads and cyber cafes following the landmark verdict.

Meanwhile, the real Kewney, who was waiting to be taken to the studio, looked up on a monitor and found another man in the interviewee's chair.

"What would you feel, if while you were sitting in that rather chilly reception area, you suddenly saw yourself not sitting in reception, but live, on TV? A bit surprised?" Kewney wrote on his Web log.

Kewney, who could not be reached for comment Monday, said on his blog that he was amused at first - but then thought that viewers would think he did not know his subject, hurting his reputation.

Kewney and other media outlets originally reported that Goma was a cab driver - though the BBC later said the reports were inaccurate.

Producers apparently realized by the end of the interview that something had gone wrong - and, after they had gone off the air, asked their "expert" if there was a problem.

"He said: 'Well, it was OK, but I was a bit rushed,' Kewney wrote on his blog.

Goma told the BBC his interview was stressful, but added he was prepared to return to the airwaves. He said he was "happy to speak about any situation," the BBC reported. Officials at BBC declined to comment on whether he would get the job he was applying for.

----

Click here to see the video! This is hilarious!

Chimps vs. Man

According to this article, a group of twenty chimpanzee desperados recently escaped from a wildlife sanctuary, injuring three tourists and killing a taxi driver. This news may seem unfortunate to many, but to me, it is simply proof of a theory I have had for years.

You see...to me, primates have always been a dangerous lot. I mean, sure, they can do cute tricks, and you can put diapers on them and teach them sign language but, all along, I have never been fooled. I know the truth and, soon, you will as well.

I remember, as a young boy, being driven through an animal sanctuary and marveling at the monkeys that came up to our car window. They were so cute; swinging around and making hand gestures and weird noises. I, a young child of 5, was happily eating my french fries, minding my own business, when a monkey desperado came to my window and starting gesturing toward my french fries. Being the generous child that I was, I soon rolled down the window and offered one of my fries to this shady character. He took the french fry alright, and he ate it quickly. I was delighted...until he grabbed my finger! He began shaking it profusely, screaming "Aaaack! Eeeeeck! Ooooock! Which, of course, was assuredly some sort of monkey threat, advising me to "Hand over the fries, and no one gets hurt!"

Ever since then, I have never trusted these criminals. And, as you can see from the above article, neither should you. Forget about this silly "bird flu" pandemic that everyone has been talking about! It is apparent that these criminal masterminds are plotting to take over society as we know it, and it would probably be a good idea to prepare for the worst. After all, you never know what dasterdly deed a primate might commit to get what it wants.

Remember the french fry. Never forget.

Save Lewis!

Conn. Crazy Cat Case Heads to Trial
May 3, 6:43 PM (ET)

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) - The case of a cat accused of viciously attacking several neighbors is going to trial. Ruth Cisero, owner of Lewis the cat, Tuesday withdrew her bid for special probation because she would have had to allow Lewis to be euthanized.

Cisero withdrew her application for accelerated rehabilitation and instead pleaded not guilty to second-degree reckless endangerment and elected a trial by jury.

Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle claimed they had been terrorized by Lewis.

The neighbors said Lewis' long claws, along with catlike stealth, have allowed the cat to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

More than 500 "Save Lewis" T-shirts have been sold to raise funds for a defense fund for Cisero and a Westport lawyer has volunteered to be the cat's lawyer.

The special probation offer with conditions was made at the insistence of neighbor Maureen Bachtig, who was reportedly attacked by Lewis Feb. 20.

In a letter to prosecutors, Bachtig said she would only agree to probation for Cisero if the cat were put to death.

---

Information from: Connecticut Post, http://www.connpost.com
http://www.cafepress.com/crazycatlewis

Trees, or NOT Trees?

I've been seeing alot of abnormally tall trees popping up recently around the city where I work. At first, I was quite frightened by these menacing trees, as I strongly suspected that they were planted there by an evil race of robots intent on taking over the earth. However, upon closer examination, I realized that these horrible atrocities were actually cell phone towers, masquerading as trees!

Sometimes, trees are not really trees.

As you can see in the photo to the right, these supposed trees blend in "seamlessly" with the other, much shorter and more natural looking trees in the background. Don't be fooled!

I can't put my finger on it just yet, but I sense a conspiracy in the making with these trees. If someone is willing to trick people into thinking that cell phone towers are trees, then who knows to what ends they might go to trick people with other objects as well? How do we know, for example, that water towers are actually water towers? How do we know that billboards are billboards? Call me paranoid (you'd be right), but I'm gonna be keeping a REAL close eye on these so-called trees from now on, just to make sure that they are, in fact, cell phone towers, and not ALIEN VESSELS masquerading as cell phone towers. Nothing gets past me, my friend; nothing, but the wind........

The Internet Often Forgets

Why is it that, inspite of the fact that many websites (including this one) offer the supposed option of "remember me on this computer", that I must still log in anytime that I want to do anything at all? Why even offer the option if it doesn't do anything? It's sort of like telephone banking; despite the fact that the friendly computer voice on the other end of the line has asked you to enter your bank account information using your touch tone phone, you always have to read the information off to the customer service representative afterward. Useless options like these could easily be eliminated, therein healing the world, and making it a better place for you and for me.

Balloons: Inflatable Disappointment

My family went out for lunch today and, upon leaving the restaurant, my son was given a helium balloon by the lady at the door. In hindsight, I should have tied the balloon around his wrist, but I neglected to do so, and, as is so often the case, the balloon ended up floating out of the car and into the stratosphere before we even pulled out of the parking lot. This of course led my poor disappointed son to cry over his lost balloon and, in turn, caused the rest of us to suffer on his behalf.

After this incident (and many more like it), I have come to the conclusion that balloons are, in fact, nothing more than inflatable disappointment. There is no way that things can end any way other than badly with a balloon. If one is not careful enough with a helium balloon, then, chances are, the thing will end up floating off into the sky where, according to the public service announcements, it will undoubtably be ingested by some poor sea creature who will inevitably die because of it.

On the flip side, if the balloon survives the car trip home, it will eventually run out of air. This, of course, means that the cruel parent must throw the now useless balloon away, causing the child to cry and the parent to say, "well, that's just the way it goes with balloons....".

Yes...That IS just the way that it goes....with balloons.

Hank.

While waiting at a traffic light yesterday, I noticed a peculiar bumper sticker on the window of the S.U.V. in front of me. It had no particular point that I was aware of, and yet I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.

Hank.

That's all it said. "Hank who?", I started to ask myself. The obvious assumption, of course, is Hank Williams. Or could it be Hank Williams, Jr.? Or, perhaps, it could be Hank Aaron. Or Hank Kissinger. Or Hank the Cowdog.

The fact is, it could be any Hank...any Hank at all. It boggles the mind, really; with all the Hanks out there, could it be that the person courageously sporting this bumper sticker is, in fact, supporting them all? Could this person, in fact, be a fan of all Hanks, past or present, or is there a particular Hank that has ignited their passion for bumper sticker glory?

Hank = the sound of one million angels singing, and boy does it sound good!

Lights, They Are A Changin'

So I read this article today, which told the sad tale of a man named Jason Niccum from Longmont, Colorado who is being charged $50 for allegedly using a device that he bought on eBay to change a traffic light from red to green so that he could get to work on time. The man told police, "I'm always running late", and later told reporters, "I guess in the two years I had it, the thing paid for itself".

I had never heard of such a device, so i decided to conduct an eBay search of my own. Apparently, the devices are no longer available to buy outright (the man in the story claimed to have bought his for $100), but one can still purchase plans to build one.

I got to thinking, long and hard, and I soon came to the conclusion that, in fact, I often run late myself. Therefore, I soon concluded, everyone must run late from time to time, so everyone should own one of these devices! You see, if everyone had one (or ten) of these devices, no one would ever be late again, saving billions of minutes and possibly subtracting 10 years from our lives! Don't believe me? Ask my uncle Ralph in South Dakota...he'll tell you that I'm telling the truth...

So, what are you waiting for? Buy plans to construct your own MIRT (Mobile Infrared Transmitter) today! After all, who needs those CrAzY traffic laws anyways? There only getting in our way! For reals!

Happy Easter!

So Cool, We Dropped A Vowel!

On Monday, on my way home from work, I witnessed a genuine disaster. A building on the road that I take home was on fire, and a large amount of smoke was filling the air. It was, in fact, such a big fire, that I could see the smoke from a few miles away. There were so many people parking their cars and standing around that I couldn't get by, and I had to go ten minutes out of the way to go around them just so I could get home.

Luckily, I had my trusty Motorola RAZR phone, with built in camera. You know all about the Motorola RAZR, right? ....the phone so cool that, when it came time to name it, they decided to drop a vowel! Anyway, I took this photo from the scene of the fire:

Incidentally, my friend Mike sent me some photos that he took using his camera phone on the way home on the same day. He works in D.C., and he got some shots of the immigration reform protest rallies that were going on that day. He too was stuck in traffic. Here's one of those:

Eventually, I suppose, camera phones will get to the point where they're actually good for taking pictures. However, for the time being, I guess that they're just "okay" enough to capture images that you otherwise would not be able to get. Maybe, one day soon, a phone will be made that is so cool that they can drop two vowels. I guess they could call it: the RZR.

I Forgot Who Made Those Memory Pills

So today I'm driving to work, and I tune my radio to the local News/Talk AM station (WBT...Represent!) to hear "traffic and weather together, every 15 minutes!" However, I was a little bit early, so I was treated to a few commercials while I waited to find out how long I was going to be sitting in traffic today.

A commercial soon came on the radio that could, potentially change our lives forever. Apparently there is a new "breakthrough" memory drug that can help people remember things better, concentrate better, and remember things better. I can't really remember what is was called, but it sounded really great! I think, though I can't be sure, that it can even help you concentrate better! I was so excited that I didn't even hear the traffic report that immediately followed. Oh well....I guess I need some sort of drugs to help me with that too. Oh...wait....I think that one drug does both. Yeah...I think I heard a commercial on the radio this morning.....